Entry: Others Expectations Saturday, October 13, 2007

One of the biggest problems with being overestimated is the inevitable conclusion that you will let someone down: the unfulfillment of an unfulfillable dream. This is why record labels place so much emphasis on the the marketability of a successful band's sophomore album or why politicians are so quick to play down potential fruits of any diplomatic parley, banal or quotidian though it may be. The mind may be ripe with both ambition and spiritual virility but forces of both intrinsic and extrinsic capacity attenuate and give rise to emotions of extreme disillusionment. Lermontov described the search for love as line stretching from a point in space. The pathological hunt for the heart at the end is both quixotic and pathetically human. We will never find what we're looking for and the realization of that fact is the tragedy of human existence. "The reason for this endlessness is simple, he laments. "We can never attain our goal." Overestimation is the DNA of disappointment.

For some reason, people consistently overestimate me. Or at least I think they do. What's more likely the case is that some very minute expectations are  periodically placed on me and most of the time it's considered par for the course when I fail to meet to them. Nevertheless, I am continuously dogged by feelings that friends and colleagues wait patiently for me to finally fulfill my hidden potential. This lonely, disaffected paradigm is characterized by hyper-contextualized, scripted and ostensibly insane encomiums to feats I have yet to accomplish in shaky payers that are all sound but no voice. Every error I make, goal I don't fulfill, accentuates what can only be described as a paradox of unsubstantiated deferment. Although I am not so naive as to believe I know who I am (and do not trust anyone who asserts they do), I've come to embrace my limitations as stubs of grime against a fraying canvass. Perhaps this smacks of a kind of meta-cognitive appeasement—I can see validity there—nevertheless, it doesn't necessarily preclude spiritual self-growth in any tangible way. In simply means that I know where my strengths lay. Why then, do others refuse to allow me the same courtesy?

Of course the danger in thinking that way is the overtly solipistic didacticism it thrusts onto others. For example, it gives the impression that I am the only one affected by both my failings and my successes. It twists the rest of the world into little more than a recurring nightmare. Naturally, this isn't fair.

Bu then again, how can feelings of continual disappointment to others be misconstrued as solipsistic anyway? Aren't these emotions inadequacy the projection of others expectations onto myself? I keep my screw-ups to myself not because they embarrass me but because they run contrary to what others assume me capable of (and that will embarass me). It is of course axiomatic to say that the dream is always better than the reality. The illusion of the smart, capable Adam is much nicer than the reality. Adam the well-spoken bohemian is a far more pleasant concept than Adam the passive schlemiel with a C on his last report.

I have a friend who, oddly enough, shares my first name. He is consistently underestimated. Looking like greasier, less poised Chris Farley and sounding like a brain-dead stoner, he's been unfairly consigned to jobs he is far too intelligent to complete. To be honest, I envied him for a long time—it seemed like anything he did, he did well. People were always surprised by how great a how great a job he did, however menial the task. In reality though, my envy was little more than misplaced condescension. the two of us, Adam squared, may be taken as a single report of the fallacy of will as it is torn asunder by the beliefs others and the inability of the spirit to reconcile itself. Partly to shut out evidence of our ineptitude we sulk in the expectations of others. It's an incredibly sad way to live and certainly not the only way, but the path of least resistance has always been the antithesis of the staight, unending line.


October 17, 2007   05:49 PM PDT
I get that over estimation stuff allot. People are always projecting way to much on me. All my life its been.., "Daveman, take out the garbage. Daveman, chew your food slowly before you swallow. Daveman could you act intelligent for once in your life."

I get no freaking respect for my accomplishments as a professional Couch Potato. ACK!
October 14, 2007   09:26 PM PDT
It might be plausible that others are not so concerned about the matter as it appears to you they are.
October 13, 2007   09:43 PM PDT
wow! How do you write like this? with such intellectual insight.

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